Today is September 1st. I move into my first apartment in 11 days. And to give you a little more context, I am a 21 year old college graduate, unemployed and stuck in a constant state of melancholy. To be completely transparent, my world seems like it’s ending. You know that type of “ending” when you are in high school and the Regina George archetype calls you “lame” or the girl at Starbucks adds whole milk instead of almond. Yeah, that’s my life. Though I know “this too shall pass”, it’s hard to see the end. Like a bad movie or a painfully awkward date, I know I will walk out of this a better (and slightly disappointed) person. But I’m sure this isn’t the content you wanted to read. So on to the regularly scheduled program…
I don’t trust myself. Defined as “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone”, I have recently discovered my literal “distrust” with myself.
To put this all in context, about two weeks ago I landed a job offer to work with Emory University in their Residential Department. After being an Resident Assistant and Admissions Assistant for two years in college, this seemed like the perfect opportunity. But of course, nothing’s “perfect”. As I learned more and more about the job, I became less and less interested. As all the scenarios ran through my head and time began to pass, I had to make a decision immediately after I was offered the job. To take the job or to not take it. Would I take the job and work 80 hours (40 of which were unpaid) or not take it and continue to stay unemployed (while I watch all my friends find jobs) and continue to feel inadequate 🙃? But that’s a different blog for a different day.
Spoiler: I didn’t take the job. No, instead I went with my gut and I turned it down. It feels crazy to say (well, write) that. I, me (Emma), turned down a job…my first job offer, in a pandemic. But, as they say hindsight is 20/20 and my vision of my future self tells me this was one of my best decisions yet.
Taking a step in the right direction, this was my first BIG step in establishing a trusting relationship with myself. GRANTED it was filled with countless crying fits and active feelings of self doubt. But, I like to tell myself I am on a journey of self discovery and this is just all part of the process. They say, “Decide the kind of life you want and then say ‘no’ to everything that isn’t it”. So I guess I’m trying to trust myself to do just that.
Unlike the obligatory trust falls, relationships and even early adolescent sleep overs that often show how much we trust others, I don’t ever think I have been able to gauge how much I trust or value myself as a confidant. That’s crazy, right?! How have I lived my whole life, by myself, and not figured out if I’ve got my own back?! But don’t you worry, realization came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks these past few weeks.
All those times I’ve asked how I look, or the classes I should take, or if I should go somewhere; have all come from a place of distrust. I, unintentionally, placed decisions in the hands of others because I didn’t believe I could make the decision myself. Either I didn’t trust myself or wanted to blame someone else. As an angsty young person, I have always loved the “I don’t give a f*ck about what people think” disposition. But as I reflect on my life thus far, I am actually the “I give so many f*cks about what everyone, literally everyone, thinks; except myself” type. And as a “I give so many f*cks about what everyone, literally everyone, thinks; except myself” type, I have missed out on a lot of what I truly wanted to do, and wasted time on things I thought I should be doing, and that sucks.
So I write this blog at a crossroads. Forsaking the words of BTS (my favorite K-pop group), “my life is definitely not dynamite”. There’s not a happy ending this week. No advice or motivation but a simple quote from my mom (my personal Deepak Chopra): “There’s no such thing as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ decision. Just the right one for you”.
So as the world begins to open up and life begins to regain it’s craziness, take this quote and go do whatever the heck you want. Trust me. No, actually trust yourself!